God spoke to me in a dream last night.
I dreamt my husband, who passed away last month, and I were in a car. He was driving but got out of the vehicle to stand in the road. I was in the passenger seat and thought I should continue down the road, so I put the car into drive and steered haphazardly from where I was sitting. Because the car was so hard to control, I realized that I needed to pull over. I found a flat gravel area that would be perfect and veered toward it. It wasn’t until then that I realized that I couldn’t access the brakes. I glided forward unable to stop and dove front first off an embankment into a rocky ravine.
When my husband died, I didn’t panic. I trusted God to take care of me. I’m a strong women and an obsessive planner. I went into what my sister and I call, “Schmidt mode.” Crises are the hot glue guns that held our family together. “Schmidt mode” was all of us rallying to resolve an emergency situation, especially and oddly during holidays. My husband’s sudden death brought this to bear. I was in control. I had everything handled.
But I wasn’t alone.
My father-in-law is helping me with logistics, and my sister and her husband, dear friends, sisterly small group members, church peeps and neighbors have rallied and continue to rally to provide support to me in tangible and intangible ways. So, I’ve been loved and continue to be loved. But like I said, I’m a planner.
I want it to be Spring, because by Spring I’ll be through the hard first holidays, and I’ll know what my finances look like and what actions need to be taken. In the Spring, things will be “set.” I’m always looking for things to be settled. I need a plan, but mostly I need the plan to be executed. And if it can’t, then I need to move onto Plan B, C, D…etc. That’s how my mind works.
But, the dream.
There are many, many times in my life my plans got ahead of God’s plans for me. Now, everything worked out because of grace and faith and all that, but would it have worked out much better if I’d let God take the wheel instead of me? Yes. And, I think He probably has access to brakes, so if I need to stop, I can.
He also has access to the accelerator. He can drive me down the road. I don’t have to pull off to the side because I’m out of control.
When we trust in God’s plan, we find ourselves on the right path. When we take the reins, we end up in the ravine.
It would be fitting to end here with Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future,” or my own life verse, Proverbs 3:5-6, Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
But those verses don’t quite capture what I’m feeling right now. So, I searched online through some passages, and landed on this one, which seems to express the essence.
Psalm 32:8, I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you.